Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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