you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
