just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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