i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I need a beard to bite.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
