why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
