My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
