she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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