Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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