Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You left your underwear on the fireplace
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
