The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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