the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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