the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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