mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize