ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
