i barfeds in our rink
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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