Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it's like heaven, but drunker
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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