Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Even my vagina gasped.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
