i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
