I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
