Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize