dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I need to stop coming to work sober
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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