Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
