He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
