K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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