evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
