He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
