its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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