i just sent this text using only my big toe
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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