I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
