I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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