she woke up with a sticky ear
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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