i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
