Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
