Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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