I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
