I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize