Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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