You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
