I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
