I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
