you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
