I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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