I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
