God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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