Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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