fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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