Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
