period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
