i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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