I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
they need to just BURY HIM!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
