Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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