who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize