holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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