we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
