Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
