Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
