I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize