I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
