my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
