I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
