think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
