got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize