Me. At least after what I've been through.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
