Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
