she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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