There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
