even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You ruined the universe
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
