The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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