My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
