Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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