I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I believe in your delicious
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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