So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
