she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you're hired as official boob wrangler
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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